Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Moms Get Lonely. Moms Get a Lot of Things.

Hello.

So I've had this blog post rattling around in the back of my brain for about two months. Buuut, it's just not easy writing anymore. It's kind of like that for a lot of things right now. Not easy, that is. And so now, it's 10pm. The boys are asleep. I've literally had the little one on the boob for the last hour. Yep. Hour. He sleep-eats. It's a thing. I should maybe be more schedule-oriented, but really? fuck it. He sleep-eats. I hold him. I think it'll be okay. The only one complaining, in fact, is me. Because I can't..what? blog? Haha.

I think I've just set the tone for this post. It's going to be long. And it's going to be rambling. And I think I'm one of about five people who will ever read it. Actually, I'm not going to read it. I'm writing it. Why on earth go back and read??! Okay!

First off....parenthood, man. It's a nightmare and your best dream come true. Once, when I had no kids, a lady on facebook said a thing. She said she was "mourning the loss of personal identity that comes with having children." And when I read it, I made a noise that sounded like "pshhhh." And I then I said to myself, "really? loss of personal identity? That's kind of...a lot." Fast forward three years. Here's me, youtube-ing how to cut my own bangs and then doing it while the toddler dips my toothbrush in the toilet and my 5-month old cries. I did this, and then I tidied up and put goop in my newly shorn head and even applied mascara. And then I cried. Because all that? The cutting, the primping? Was for nobody. I don't go see people. I cut my hairs so that the next time I need to take a leak I can see hairs that have been cut. Not. Even. Joking. I think it was just so that I could look at myself and assure myself that I'm still young-ish and can look cute sometimes. If I try. So yeah--the "loss of personal identity" thing? It's a thing. A real thing. And most of it comes from the inevitable isolation of mommy-hood. I may be more isolated than most; I stay home with our sons, I don't do playdates...like, ever. Okay, maybe once every 6 months or so. But mommy-friends are just...so not there for me right now. And it's not their fault. I literally know 2 mothers in the geographical region in which I live. And their lives are just so much...and my life is just so not in sync. But...it IS kind of my fault, because I'm too cynical/overwhelmed to get out and TRY. It's reality. It's life.

In a few years? Maybe I'll have that thing where where I'm there, with other humans who have tiny humans, scoping out the mommies at preschool like an awkward college guy scoping the single ladies at the bar. (Yes, I read that huffpost article). But right now? I'm lonely. It's a season. I get it. But that doesn't mean it's not still hard.

Then there's the boys. The tiny humans that eat up every single moment of my weird, crazy, isolated, blessed days. They learn like 80 new things a day. Seriously. And I get to be, sometimes, the facilitator of that learning. I get to look in their faces and see my own features or their daddy's and marvel at the cool "spin-off." I am hazel-eyed, dark haired. Dad is blue-eyed, blond. I got two kids with an amazing combination of our genetic make-up. Silas has the hazel eyes, with daddy's blond hair (and curls! whaaat?) And Noah has the gorgeous blue eyes, with my dark hair. Love that! And these are the days of firsts. Mostly for Silas, of course. First experience with crayons! First ride down the big slide! First tinkle in the potty! Everyday is another "first" with him. And just the other day, we got Noah's first tooth! I cannot even imagine what it must be like to be them. I have to manufacture newness for myself by chopping off my hair over the bathroom sink. They just wake up and something is different. Suddenly they know how do....x,y,z and it rocks their world.

So what's up with me right now? After almost 3 months of no updates? Well, it's up and it's down. And I'm not really an individual right now, but I am a mother and that's so huge. It's huger than I can comprehend. It's at once the most blessed thing I can imagine being and the hardest, most depleting thing. And I have no idea when I'll update this silly old blogspot again. Maybe it'll be next week (yes, this has been somehow therapeutic). Maybe I'll be in my mid-thirties, with two kids in the school system! I'd say stay tuned, but who am I kidding? If you're reading, yay! Thank you. If you care to check in again, yay! Thank you again. But really, this is just an outlet for me. I do know I'm not alone in feeling the things that I'm feeling, so hopefully it's an outlet that you, as a parent, can also relate to. But I'm not pretending it's anything more than that at this point in my journey.

Until next time, dears. Until next time.


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